Thursday, October 17, 2018

• 7:45 am Brianne gives me a look when I ask for a direction on setting up. She told me before that its the "same as yesterday" (though I didn't work at the table her yesterday). Braulio says to me, in his quiet, unassuming way: "you're fine."
• 8:45 am Make a fool of myself dropping clipboards (with maps), grasped precariously between my elbow and rib, when I try to snap photos with the camera. This happens three times before Carlos notices and takes them from me. When can I learn not m
• 12:20 pm Get the news from mom that Dustin will be euthanized. She's crying hysterically. I have no response. The words sadden me, but I am little numb at this point, having seen him struggle the last 4 weeks.
• 1:50 pm I return auntie mara's call. She repeats the news mom gave me. Whereas, an equation had absorbed enough mental energy to keep me focused, now the monotony of powerpoint templates allowed memories of Dustin to creep into my mind. A heavy heart bore me down. 
• 4:15 pm I share a guava pastry with braulio before heading out. He seems very appreciative. Such a good soul.
• 5:30 pm Grandma's house. Dustin's bed and bowl and toys are gone. Going into the office, I see that Grandpa's almost in tears. I place my arm around him, a genuine hug for the first time in a while. I go on a walk with him and Grandma around the block, for the first time in memory. 
• 6:45 pm I return home. Mom's anxious, briefly mentioning Dustin but then complaining about her summons to surgery. I tell her to relax, that it won't be the worst thing in her life, and that we should eat dinner. As usual, though she continues-delving further into the details-and, as usual, I tune out. I try to listen, to engage, but lack the physical and social energy. At some point, to stop the blabbering a start to yell before my inner voice screams: "watch yourself."
• 8:15pm Text Jeanette. "Why am I so into a fat girl?" "Fuck, why should I follow beauty standards?" I start to dream, then worry. The anxiety builds too quickly and the pot is almost due so I head back.
• 8:37pm A buzz. Jeanette, Elaine? I'll find out, when I'm done practicing my writing.